"She gets a tummy tuck out of all this bullshit."
It's not the first time I've heard it. Probably not even the first time that Anna has said it.
She is pumped for me.
Probably more than I am, and that's saying a lot. Because I am pretty stoked.
After all that I have gone through this last year, the bright side is that in the end they are going to take the fat and skin from my stomach and make it into boobs.
I'm counting down the days, if I am honest.
For a couple of reasons.
First, it means that my cancer has stayed away for a year. The doctors told me that the highest chance of recurrence for me is in the first year, so making it that far will give me some peace of mind… I think.
Second, I am really looking forward to not having a lumpy, bumpy chest anymore.
Living Flat After Mastectomy
I'm not actually upset about the flat chest part of it.
I have rather been enjoying not having boobs.
My bar path at the gym is excellent.
Although, it does mean that the bar has further to travel in my bench press, and I have to lower down more in my push-up, so that sucks.
But overall, it's been pretty great for the gym.
Outside of the gym, it has been a little harder.
My clothes fit strangely.
Women's clothes are designed for breasts, and I just don't quite fill out my clothes like I used to.
I also have extra skin around the sides for when they do the reconstruction, so it looks a little lumpy if I wear clothes that are more form-fitting.
I guess I could just wear looser-fitting clothes, and I have.
Most of the time, I am a jeans and a T-shirt girly if I am not in my gym clothes.
But I am in my gym clothes most of the time, and those hug more closely than I would like these days.
I keep thinking, "Come on, autumn! Just get here already!"
Because it would be a nice change.
Fall sweaters and cozy clothes that don't hug me so closely.
This weekend, the weather finally shifted to rainy, and it was the first time in months that I have felt completely free of the mental pressure about what my chest looks like.
I don't actually know if anyone is looking at my chest most of the time.
It is probably a stress of my own creation, but it is there nonetheless.
Always lurking in the back of my mind, "What are they thinking of me?"
I wish it was, "What are they thinking of my chest?" instead.
Because at least that would feel less like an observation on my identity.
But that's not the thought process.
My brain always seems to make it an assault on my identity rather than an observation of my physicality for some reason.
And so, I want to hide it away until I can have back my "normal" anatomy.
Preparing for DIEP Flap Breast Reconstruction
I only have a couple more months until that happens.
I have thought through it more times than I can count, and I feel almost ready for it.
I don't know that you are ever actually ready to have surgery.
Especially not one like this.
They are going to take the skin and fat from below my belly button, along with the blood vessel system, and move it from my abdomen to my chest.
When I was going through the consultations for the surgery, I was given the option for implants.
We talked it through, and I decided that isn't the option for me.
First, because I have had radiation to my chest, which makes the skin less pliable. Implants can develop hard scar tissue around them, potentially resulting in having to go back in and have them redone.
Potentially over and over again.
I'm looking to have as few surgeries as possible, so that was a big fat no from me.
Second, I am a good candidate for the DIEP flap procedure.
And strangely enough, part of the reason I am a good candidate is because of everything my body did long before cancer ever showed up.
Over the course of my life, I have carried seven babies to term.
Three of my own, and four for other families.
A set of twins for one family and a brother and sister for another.
It was a big part of my life that I am glad I got to experience.
It has also left me with some extra skin and fat around my belly that seems to just hang on.
And I am looking at this whole life experience of mine as a buildup to this.
Maybe everything I have done has prepared me for this moment.
Without those pregnancies, without the extra skin, I might not have this option now.
And for that, I am grateful.
Why I Want Breast Reconstruction
I also go back and forth with the idea.
Maybe staying flat is the right option for me.
What reason do I have for having boobs after all?
I've moved beyond my reproductive years, and my ovaries were taken anyway.
The reasons for having them are mostly aesthetic and a little bit because my husband likes them (lol).
I also think that I want them because they help me feel more like myself.
I didn't realize how much a part of my identity they were until they weren't there to identify with.
I find that I feel a little less womanly without them.
When I wear a dress or a low-cut shirt, there isn't anything t